Is This Normal?

Sometimes the sexual norms and behaviours within the GLBTT* community are seen as unnatural, wrong, immoral, or unhealthy when compared with mainstream sexuality.

In reality, there is no such thing as normal or mainstream sexuality. People have sex in lots of different ways, even if they only talk about or admit to ways that are considered socially acceptable. However, you may have some genuine concerns about your sexuality. We’ve listed a few possible issues for your consideration.

Compulsive Sexuality

Maybe you are wondering, or someone else has wondered aloud to you, whether you are addicted to sex. Sex is not technically considered an addiction according to the DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual used by health care practitioners to diagnose mental illnesses. For this reason, we’re using the term compulsive sexuality. You might have compulsive behaviours that involve the internet, porn, cruising, the act of having sex, or any other behaviours, although these are not necessarily harmful in themselves. Basically, if an aspect of your sexuality is preventing you from going about your everyday routines—interfering with school, jobs, sleep, or relationships—you might consider discussing your concerns with a counselor or other mental health practitioner. Find someone who is supportive and understanding of GLBTT* sexuality so that you aren’t told you need to change something that is an essential part of who you are.

Libido Imbalance

It’s quite normal for partners to have different levels of sexual desire, and the person with a stronger libido now may turn out to have a lower libido later. Like any other aspect of a relationship, a libido imbalance requires understanding, communication, and negotiation. If this is the only thing that appears to be standing in the way of otherwise ideal relationships, keep in mind that this is likely to be an issue in any relationship. To find someone who always wants the same amount and intensity of sex as you do is quite unlikely. Libido is often at its peak for both partners at the beginning of a relationship, and expecting it to remain a constant may be unrealistic. Sexual desire comes and goes in waves; something as simple as the amount of stress a person is dealing with will influence their libido. If you can allow desires to move through their natural phases and cycles, you’ll be much happier than if you try to force your own or someone else’s desires into a box. Some options for working with a libido imbalance include masturbation, counseling, or polyamory.

Reparative Therapies

Reparative or conversion therapies are usually organized by religious groups that interpret religious texts in ways that support only certain sexual preferences or behaviours. Anything that varies from the sexual preferences and behaviours within these (religious) communities is considered harmful, perverted, evil, and even subject to eternal punishment. In an effort to “save” GLBTT* people, reparative therapies are aimed at convincing people that they should deny their gender and/or sexual identities and/or preferences.

Ex-gay and ex-trans movements are examples of reparative therapies, and include religious organizations such as Exodus, CrossOver Ministries, and JONAH International. There are also secular reparative therapy groups, such as the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), although even secular groups tend to have strong conservative religious connections.

Often, the people who are most susceptible to reparative therapies are those who identify strongly with religious communities. It is not easy to explore and trust an aspect of yourself that is rejected by an entire community to which you belong. If this is a concern for you, check out the section Being GLBTT* Is Against My Religion.

The American Psychological Association is an internationally recognized authority on mental health, and we provide links to several of their pamphlets below. They have researched reparative therapies, or sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE), and conclude that

“efforts to change sexual orientation are unlikely to be successful and involve some risk of harm, contrary to the claims of SOCE practitioners and advocates.”
(from http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/sexual-orientation.aspx)

Kink, Fetishes, and Porn

Sex is whatever you want it to be. As long as everyone involved is in agreement about what happens, the rest is up to you. There’s no right or wrong way to have sex. There’s no right or wrong reason to have sex. So how do you like to have sex? Why do you like to have sex? There’s been enough stigma and limitations in the past few centuries that it might take a bit of exploring to discover your best fantasies. And it will certainly take a lot of courage to act on them and to admit them to potential partner(s).

If you need a bit of inspiration or permission, you can check out the section Activities and Risk. You might also find inspiration in pornography. Porn often gets a bad rap, but that’s because most people only know about the kind of porn made by and for sexist, heterosexual men. There’s a lot of quality, consensual, respectful porn made by and for the GLBTT* community, so if you haven’t found any yet, start looking and asking around. Some GLBTT* positive sex stores, organizations, and websites may be able to point you in the right direction.

Abuse or Trauma

There are higher rates of childhood abuse among GLBTT* people than among the rest of the population. Abuse or trauma, regardless of whether it was sexual, emotional, physical, or some other form, can be a factor that may lead to compulsive sexuality and/or a fear of sexual intimacy. Disclosing abuse to your partner(s) may help them to understand aspects of your sexuality that are straining the relationship, although it may take time before enough trust is established to be able to discuss this. You may also find it helpful to begin working on issues before entering into a new relationship, since dealing with past abuse and being in a relationship may create too much strain on yourself and/or your partner(s).

Even if you do not want to bring past trauma into a current relationship, you may still be carrying the impact of what happened to you into how you relate with your partner(s). Seeking the help of a counselor or mental health practitioner are options for discussing how past abuse or trauma are impacting you and your relationships. Sometimes the pain of the past is too much to bring up again consciously through words. If this is true for you, you might consider complementary healing methods that allow you to explore and heal past abuse issues without involving talk therapy.

Resources

(See also Crisis Services and Counseling Services)

Sexuality and U  - Desire Discrepancy: When one wants it more than the other

http://www.sexualityandu.ca/adults/sex-6.aspx

Pandora’s Project: Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse

http://www.pandys.org/lgbtsurvivors.html

1in6: Courage, Hope, Strength

http://www.1in6.org/

Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality: Answers to your questions for a better understanding

http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/orientation.aspx

Ex-Gay Watch: News and analysis of exgay politics and culture

http://www.exgaywatch.com/