Power in Relationships

Redefining Power

Power is often associated with violence, abuse and other negative things. However, power alone is not wrong. It is only when power is used in harmful or disrespectful ways that it becomes a problem. In fact, power is something each of us has and needs. If we embrace our own power, we are less likely to give it away to someone else, and therefore less likely to become a victim.

If you don’t feel powerful, it may be helpful to think about why that is, and what you can do to change your relationship to power. This is especially important in a society that constantly threatens our sense of power: our confidence and trust in ourselves and in GLBTT* communities. Homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, as well as ignorance, social isolation, and violence are stressors that can take a toll on our self-image and our source of power.

If you feel as though you are always needing to fight to retain or restore your own power or the power of other GLBTT* people, you are not alone. However, this will take a toll on your health, so it’s important to do whatever you can to care for yourself. As the Canadian Rainbow Health Coalition’s Outlive campaign suggests, “The best way to fight homophobia is to outlive it.” Maybe you will find things that give you short or extended breaks from the fight. Or perhaps you will shift from a fighting mentality to one that can make peace with some or all of the violence you encounter, or at least with your relationship to power. Either way, health care professionals and other resources in this website may help you find and secure your sense of power.

Power Imbalance

An imbalance in power is not the same as an abuse of power. Even healthy relationships have power imbalances. A power imbalance may be something as simple as an age difference. One person may feel more powerful because of their youthfulness if they are younger, while an older person may feel more powerful because of their wisdom and experience. This is an example of how one factor in a relationship could create a power imbalance, and possibly in more than one direction.

Here are some other things that may create power imbalances in a relationship:

• sexuality: previous sexual experience, libido or level of sexual desire, interest in exploring taboo or unconventional relationships or sex
• social class: financial status, career, level of education, upbringing (how you were raised by parents/guardians)
• gender: ability to fit into standards accepted by society, ability to fit into standards accepted by GLBTT* communities, body parts that match gender
• health: physical ability, fitness level, mental wellness
• culture: race, ethnicity, religion, values, beliefs

This list is only the beginning of possible imbalances, and you may have experienced others. Some power imbalances are more socially acceptable than others, and GLBTT* have often been stigmatized because of differences among themselves and their emotional or sexual partner(s). But these differences and power imbalances exist in every relationship in society. In fact, an imbalance is often what attracts us to another person. We’d probably be bored if we found someone whose sources of power were identical to our own.

In a healthy relationship, power imbalances are recognized and discussed. It is common for these imbalances to create tension from time to time. But if you have healthy ways of expressing emotions that arise and communicating them to your partner(s), there is no reason for power imbalances to destroy your relationship. If you suspect that a power imbalance is threatening your relationship, seek advice from counselors or trustworthy people. And if you think that you or your partner(s) may be bordering on abuse, get professional help as soon as possible.

If power imbalances themselves are what turn you on or attract you, you may consider exploring BDSM, which sometimes exaggerates real or imagined power imbalances. BDSM should only be used when everyone involved is fully informed and consenting. (See also BDSM section).